Today, while working at home in my pyjamas and thanking the high heavens for a day off, my phone rings. The number is foreign to me. I answer, and it’s the landlord I met yesterday.


Apparently, the dickwad guy and his missus decided they don’t want the place after all due to some changes in the guy’s career (i.e. he was sleeping with a big breasted blonde). The house. Is. MINE. MINE! JET-TUB!

I’m so ecstatic. I burst into Jagerbomb’s room to deliver the news earlier and I was practically throwing up from excitement. NEW HOUSE. CLEAN. SHINY FLOORS! Can you believe it?! ‘Cos I can’t. Such a brilliant stroke of luck! I don’t understand why God loves me and my heathen ways so much, but apparently He does.

I’m also seriously considering adopting Bailey, he’s just such an extraordinary dog. We haven’t quite bonded yet because I’m never around enough, but I intend to fix that. For some reason I can feel the disapproval seeping in from all around, but I’ve raised animals my whole life and I know what I’m doing. I’m perfectly capable, thank-you. He just needs some leash training and exercise. I just can’t imagine a household without an animal. And I don’t want a turtle.