When the Twilight craze started sometime last year, I was eager to pick up the books myself. Everybody I knew was reading those books, including some of my friends who dare not touch literature for fear it might burn them. One of my best friends reportedly stayed up an entire night until she had finished reading the first book. Geez, I thought. This author must really be onto something!


What happened next was one of the most genuinely disappointing moments of my life, and months later I am still left in shock and confusion, because quite frankly the first book was SHIT. S-H-I-T! Craphole, filth, shit of the earth! Even writing this entry makes me want to pound out my frustration on my keyboard. I literally just felt my heart clench in rage.


First of all, let me say that I am NOT making these judgements based on pretention picked up from my years of studying English literature. I’m sure I have been influenced a little, but I certainly don’t abhor pop culture like many of my faggy, hippie classmates. I adored Harry Potter, for god’s sake (until he turned into an arrogant prick, that is).


But I just cannot comprehend the attraction of these books. Stephenie Meyer is a garbage writer. I don’t know how the editor ignored the FIVE BILLION DASHES inserted in EVERY PARAGRAPH but he/she did, and should be fired immediately or publicly hung.


The story line was entirely corrupt. So this loser of a teenager moves to a new town to start afresh, and actually finds herself making friends with the locals. Like, people are actually interested in her and want to be her friend, for the first time EVER! And what does she do?! She ditches all these lovely new companions for a fucking vampire! A stupid fucking vampire! What kind of message is this delivering to teenagers?! IT’S OKAY TO GET INVOLVED WITH DANGEROUS MEN, AS LONG AS THEY LOVE YOU? IT’S OKAY TO DITCH ALL YOUR FRIENDS, POSSIBLE FUTURE SUPPORT NETWORKS FOR WHEN THE STUPID VAMPIRE DUMPS YOUR ASS BECAUSE YOU GET FAT AND PREGNANT?


NEVERMIND that Meyer is a Mormon, so the main characters’ entire passionate relationship lacks any real passion whatsoever. There’s a lot of STARING and coy GLANCES and awkward EXCHANGES and loving GAZES and horny hand-holding BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. Go have fucking sex somewhere already, because the ONLY cool thing that could have possibly happened in that book would be to have SEX WITH A VAMPIRE. Yes I realize that this book is for young teenagers, but if you’re going to tell a young girl it’s okay to dedicate your entire life to a dangerous lover (like a pedophile, perhaps) then you must as well be realistic about it.


And it was BORING. BORING BORING BORING. This coming from someone who has read years of CLASSIC LITERATURE! My God I want to scream my hatred to the world! The other day I logged onto Facebook and somebody’s status declared Meyer as the best author of ALL TIME. YEAH OKAY. SURE. YOU IGNORANT FUCK. I would love, love, love to take some hardcover copies of Twilight and BEAT YOU TO DEATH.


The only good side of the series? Kids are reading. That’s it. Jesus fucking Christ, maybe teenagers will be able to spell properly someday.


Anyway, here’s a good book to expand your mind.


The Poisonwood Bible – Barbara Kingsolver


This book probably could have ended long before it did with the same impact, but I enjoyed it. Heavy, what with the corruption of Africa and the exploitation of the Congo. But excellent character development, that sorta thing. My favourite line? There are Christians, and then there are Christians.