Here’s a mortifying moment you’re sure to love.


Today I dressed up in one of my new outfits that I bought in Ottawa. I decided to run some errands. I was feeling pretty good about myself, and so I threw in a little extra wiggle in my hips, a little more bounce in my step. Damn, I was thinking. I’m on fire today!


As I crossed Water Street (which was incredibly busy and more crowded than usual), a lady came up behind me and said, “I’m not sure if you know, but there’s a hole in the back zipper of your skirt.”

I jumped. “What? Can you see anything?”


“Yes,” she said, and bolted like a bat out of hell.


I reached back, and found with my fingers a large gaping hole where my ASS is. HUGE. GAPING OPEN FOR THE WORLD TO SEE. And I was wearing a thong. FUCK. MY. LIFE.


I had to pull up my skirt and tug down my tank-top to cover the hole, thus ensuring I looked like a slut at work for the rest of the day.


Anyway, I’m going to write out my vacation in a series of entries. But I absolutely loved the city, and was pleased with my first trip inside Canada. In the past, I kinda figured travel within Canada would be a little dull…because hey, don’t I already live here? But now I realize just how unique Newfoundland is and how vast and interesting Canada is/can be.


Day 1, Tuesday


I touched down in Ottawa after sleeping my entire flight away. I awoke multiple times with the roof of my mouth drier than a desert and drool dangling down my chin. I’m sure I put off the greatest snore symphony known to mankind…or at least the guy sitting next to me.


Avril greeted me at the airport…at first we kinda gazed at each other warily, not sure if the other was a visage. Then we embraced and danced and laughed and jumped up and down! And so the celebrations began.


After greeting my relatives at Avril’s place, my Uncle B (who coincidentally lives next door) and Aunt J invited us all over for supper…which turned out to be PEA SOUP AND DUMPLINGS. GOD! I should have known right then that the trip would be perfect.

Then it was off to the famous beer store in Quebec, where we were greeted with rows upon rows of endless BEER and different BRANDS and labels and THE MADNESS!!!!! The funniest part happened when Uncle B and Aunt J walked in a few minutes later. Seriously. We drove to QUEBEC to pick up cheap booze ($20 for a 24 pack, who knew?!) at a random store, and my relatives just happened to go there too. THEN, about an hour later, we pull into a liquor store to pick up some red wine, and the same relatives were pulling out!!!


HEAVEN!! I have arrived!

HEAVEN!! I have arrived!

(If you’re wondering why I’m an alcoholic, the next several entries will explain a lot.)


The rest of the evening Avril and I spent hanging out at ShortSexMachine’s apartment, eating ice-cream cake and catching up on many years of family gossip. Some was good, some was sad. We were so enraptured in our conversation that I forgot all about my two hours of sleep the previous night, and we ended up staying until 1:30 a.m.




Ok that’s enough for now. For some reason my brain is falling asleep.